The second time I had plastic surgery I got it done for free. People was covering it and I met a team of doctors that had a publicist who kept adding procedures. The guy who did my LASIK surgery wanted to do a "tune-up" and now I've had five surgeries on my eye. I have partial blindness in one of my eyes, actually. It was very much like Nip/Tuck where they'd be like, "Tell me what you don't like about yourself," and then they'd draw all over you with markers to highlight your "problem" areas. One of the doctors was like, "We can do a little teeny lipo on your upper arms." I said, "Are you sure?" He said yes, so I went along with it.

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Paparazzi get photos of celebrities doing pretty much everything, but they never seem to get pictures of stars after surgery. Why is that?

Oh, there's a whole system you need to know about. First of all, the plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills all have secret celebrity doors. After the surgery, you leave the plastic surgeon's office covered in a sheet that's not unlike a burqa. Your assistant takes you to an upscale hotel where you hide in a dark room of shame until you're better. There are bandaged rich ladies walking around the hallways of the Four Seasons and the Peninsula in Beverly Hills right now. It's not unlike being a war criminal or a terrorist.