"There's something incredibly liberating about a holiday that encourages children to take candy from strangers," Almond writes of Halloween in his book. Indeed. For some reason, Almond asked that we make clear that he is a "professional candyfreak, not a therapist."

Three Musketeers: Does well in groups but is somewhat pompous. Prone to fancy costumes and arcane weapons. Wears hats in public that are ill-advised.

Almond Joy: I'm going to put aside my aversion to coconut in praising these folks as happy-go-lucky.

Bit-O-Honey: They have contradictory personalities, hoping to express generosity but also having the passive-aggressive desire to damage the fillings of trick-or-treaters.

Butterfinger: Evasive, slippery, not necessarily to be trusted.

Candy Corn: Purely deluded people. They don't get that candy shouldn't attempt to imitate other food groups, particularly corn.

Good & Plenty: Optimistic, perhaps overly so. A little bit of Weimar energy. Strong advocate of gay rights; acquainted with the bitterness at the center of most lives.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: Generous souls. Those who understand the salty in life, as well as the sweet.

Snickers: Just going with the crowd, the safe candy choice, guaranteed to please the masses. Not ambitious, but dependable.